After well over 9 years since the invasion of Afghanistan, the United States has finally proclaimed victory over the Taleban. Shocked, the nay-sayers were left staring in disbelief as the high command of the United States forces in Afghanistan released a thorough declaration, which we took the liberty of quoting:
“I know that we left the impression that the United States Army was a brutal and lawless bunch, but this was all part of the plan to fool the enemy. We know that the secret of victory is winning the hearts and minds of the people. As such, we realized this is not a war of weapons but of culture, therefore we knew the real purpose is to replace the Taleban-instated customs with the ancient Afghan customs, truly liberating the people!”
As the world awed at the truly surprising US strategy, the story is confirmed independently by New York Times, The Guardian, Frontline as well as the recently leaked cables from Wikileaks. The final blow to the Taleban was reinstating the ancient custom of bacha bazi, which consists in having young boy lovers in addition to a decent number of wives.
The Afghan Interior Minister, mr Atmar, had this to say: We are extremely grateful to former United States President mr George W Bush as well as the United States Army and DynCorps for bringing us the freedom to return to our ancient ways. Too long have the Taleban prevented us from having sex with your boys! This repression of our customs is the pinnacle of our struggle for freedom. Allah bless America! Today America brought us this freedom, we hope that soon people all over the world can enjoy the right to have sex with young boys!
As expected, NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association) saluted the position of the United States government and DynCorps: we knew this days was bound to come. After all, what’s wrong with loving underage boys? Love is such a beautiful thing! Our honorary president and former US president George W Bush will be thrilled! This is real democracy, where everyone is free to love in their own way!
This news has not been well received by the Taleban press, which proceeded to accuse the United States of double standards: American pigs are such hypocrites! They allow the Afghan to indulge in such disgraceful orgies while their own people are not!
Fearing armed retribution which the pacifist United States Army could not handle, The Guardian tried to downplay the move, saying that in the new bacha bazi the young boys are merely performing ancient tribal dances, not having sex. The next morning however, the United States was left without strip clubs as each and every strip club in the country closed down. Coincidentally, the very same day a number of tribal clubs were opened where naked young women were performing ancient tribal fertility dances in the laps of their customers.
Dan Gussman, former own of strip club “Puss in Boots”, had this to say: Owning a strip club was becoming quite a bad business. The police always raided us, the fines were driving our profit into the ground and we could no longer afford to hire nice strippers. However, having a tribal dance club is so much better. Now we actually hired several new strip… ummm … I mean tribal dancers. We usually charge a modic fee for the type of tribal dance performed: the cheapest being a regular tribal dance around the customer, while the most expesive is a full-blown fertility test.
Romanian Guru Gregorian Bivolaru proceeded to sue not only each tribal dance club but also American security contractor DynCorps, claiming he owns the intellectual rights over masquerading underage sex as a religious activity. I can no longer stand by and watch people profit from my intellectual property. Intellectual property is a fundamental democratic value and as such, I want my due share. I have fought hard and suffered in order to obtain the rights to sell my religious video tutorials about integrating into the absolute with the help of several underage girls. My theory is the one that clearly states that the religious experience becomes better as your partner’s age decreases. Bacha bazi is clearly inspired from my idea!
Although mr Bivolaru’s claim seems shaky given that bacha bazi refers to boys (not girls) and is several hundred years older than his theory, the sovereign state of Sweden decided to offer him sanctuary and support both for protecting his theories and against any sexual offense charges layed against him by the Romanian government. Prime Minister Reinfeldt of Sweden made an exclusive declaration: We feel that mr Bivolaru’s theory about spiritual integration via sex with underage girls is a fresh and modern approach to spirituality and we feel this treasure must be protected. Following this spirit, we strongly support our American allies in promoting bacha bazi, the spiritual equivalent with respect to sex with underage boys, not only in Afghanistan but in the whole world! In an unrelated topic however, we are strongly disgusted by mr Julian Assange’s practice of having unprotected consensual sex with mature women!
The other NAMBLA (North American Marlon Brando Look-alikes Association) promptly detached itself from the dispute.
